s/he may look cute with that collar on, but what you can't see in this photo is his shaved butt with exposed incisions and sutures.
poor thing.
7.31.2006
feline urethrostomy
so one long horrible week, and about ten trips to the vet, and eight hundred bucks later, and my cat has officially had a sex change.
s/he may look cute with that collar on, but what you can't see in this photo is his shaved butt with exposed incisions and sutures.
poor thing.
s/he may look cute with that collar on, but what you can't see in this photo is his shaved butt with exposed incisions and sutures.
poor thing.
7.05.2006
For those of us who do not speak japanese...
i took the time to have an online translation site decipher belle's japanese message from question 33 of the survey.
this is what i came up with:
"The Korean energy development mechanism of ga II of atama of chutto of wa of watashi imoto kanojo of kada where wakadu of ga of kanojo of wo which hurts hurts it is not there is no ooki of ga of guchi to omoimas!"
that should clear up some confusion.
this is what i came up with:
"The Korean energy development mechanism of ga II of atama of chutto of wa of watashi imoto kanojo of kada where wakadu of ga of kanojo of wo which hurts hurts it is not there is no ooki of ga of guchi to omoimas!"
that should clear up some confusion.
7.03.2006
Le Email Survey Pour Le Fin Du Temps (A Family Portrait)
Ri: It seems to me in these days of limited time to get to know people electronically, the email survey has blossomed into a tremendous social tool. However, I constantly feel that most of them are tantamount to a dull boring spike pounding away on the withered landscape of 21st century popular culture. So I decided to write a meaningful one. No need to fret any longer over the intimacy you share with all of your numbered electronic social network friends, it is time to get to know the real YOU. Have fun.
Bonnie: sorry to send an email survey complete with preemptive apologies to the recipients of said survey... but i thought it might be funny to torment my brother, by making the email survey he authored in jest actually turn into a "sincere" email survey. you are receiving this email only because i know you well enough to accept your anger.
Belle: I THOUGHT YOU EXPECTED A REPLY.
Pat: yeah, what bonnie said!
1. What would you guess is the favorite food of the first person you saw today?
Ri: I think the guy doing pushups in the 14th street tunnel probably likes fish tacos. Maybe Funion Rings, but probably fish tacos.
Bonnie: the two year old in the high chair loves to suck on tortilla chips and return them to their original packaging... he loves to watch the surprised looks on the grown ups' faces when they attempt to enjoy what they expect will be a crunchy treat
Belle: THE BENT OVER, BONNET WEARING OLD LADY PUSHING A LITTLE CHAIR ON WHEELS ACROSS THE STREET FROM HER RICE FEILD PROBABLY HAD FERMENTED SOY GOO AND FREEZE DRIED FISH HEADS
Pat: I'm still waiting to see that first person, however, i'll wager that freeze dried fish heads will not be one of that person's favs.
2. Number of pets currently living in your closet?
Ri: 8- all serpentine.
Bonnie: chip came out of the closet in the end of '98 or was it the beginning of '99, no pets in the closet since.... i think...
Belle: AN UNGODLY AMOUNT OF THOSE WOULD-BE CONVENIENT CARDBOARD PESTS OF THE CUBIC VARIETY THAT CONTINUE TO REMIND ME OF MY INFERIOR STATUS TO THE BEHEMOTH THAT IS THE COMPLICATED RECYCLING SYSTEM OF JAPAN
Pat: 10,328 (assuming dust bunnies count) which is exactly the number oh holes it takes to fill the albert hall (coincident or conspiracy ..?)
3. If stuck on a desert island and you can have access to only 10 records, would you seriously do anything other than listen to music?
Ri: Probably not, I guess i would write some as well, maybe go for a swim.
Bonnie: beats drawing a face on a volley ball... however, no matter how much music i had, i wouldn't make it two days without sunscreen
Belle: I SUGGEST WE ALL TAKE LOCK'S ADVICE AND LISTEN TO THE WHISPERS IN THE JUNGLE, THEN , AND ONLY THEN, IF THE JUNGLE DOESN'T THINK WE SHOULD KILL A BOAR FIRST TO MAKE PEACE WITH OUR DARK PASTS, WE SHOULD PROCEED TO FUFILL OUR AUDIAL DESIRES
Pat: first of all, i'd like to finally gain access to my permanent record. then, i'd like to hold the record for most fish caught on one plastic worm... umm.. do i have to have 10?
4. The most convenient aspect of Myspace?
Ri: That it sends me an email to let me know that I have messages at another email account! I wish I could increase the depth of convenience by 3 or 4.
Bonnie: i love shopping for friends without ever having to actually talk to them!
btw ri, did you know that you can now get messages from myspace on your mobile phone???
Belle: WE CAN ALL WITNESS THE RATE AT WHICH EVERY PARTICIPANT IN POP CULTURE MELDS INTO A FEIRCE ONE BRAINED MECHANISM ARMED WITH ELITIST TASTE IN MUSIC, QUOTES BY PHILOSOPHICAL RUSSIAN AUTHORS, LEFTIST IDEOLOGY, CONSPIRACY THEORIES, WITTINESS, AND GLAMOROUS PHOTOS OF THEMSELVES.
Pat: i'd require an visit to your space before i would feel qualified to have an opinion.
5. Last time you paid for a haircut?
Ri: 1995
Bonnie: thursday... in this lady's basement
Belle: LAST DECEMBER. I GOT IT STRAIGHTENED FOR FREE THOUGH AND AFTERWARD THE BEAUTICIAN AND I BOTH AGREED THAT I LOOK MORE LIKE A BLACK GIRL WITH STRAIGHT HAIR THAN I DO WITH WAVY
Pat: i don't pay for haircuts. i pay someone to make those wonderful buzzing and humming sounds around my head. the fact that my hair becomes shorter when i have this done serves as a built in limiting factor in my buzz/humm habit.
6. Planets or Moons?
Ri: If Io, certainly moons, if Jupiter, planets.
Bonnie: pressed hams
Belle:
If Io, certainly moons, if Jupiter, planets.
pressed hams
THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL BIT OF POETRY, THANKS GUYS
Pat: yes, thank you
7. Do you believe the grammatical rules governing the use of "you and I" v.s. "you and me" should be relaxed?
Ri: As in, "could you go with jody and I" or "this is franklin and I in Tahiti"?
Bonnie: certainly not.... i even think we should begin to decline nouns, respect gender, and severely punish the misuse of contractions. however, i AM a proponent of discarding capitalization in electronic communications. (unless capitalization is an aesthetic choice, either visually OR in meaning)
Belle: I DONT REALLY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MOST GRAMMATICAL RULES. SPELLING, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS ANOTHER STORY. I THINK THE i BEFORE e EXCEPT AFTER c IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS RULE I HAVE EVER HEARD AND DIPHTHONGS ARE A CLOSE SECOND, NOT TO MENTION SILENT LETTERS, THF!?! (I AM SURE YOU HAVE ALREADY REALIZED THE OMNI-SIGNIFICANCE OF MY OWN USE OF CAPITALIZATION)
Pat: i feel very strongly that the rules governing the use of you & i be strengthened. i mean, how long are you and me going to put up with all this use??
8. Favorite 17th century Dutch painter?
Ri: Jacob Isaakszoon Van Ruisdael
Bonnie: i favor the 16th century over the 17th.... matthias grunewald had a knack for the locus where the sacrosanct becomes inextricable from the gory
Belle: I WANT TO SEE SOMETHING BY A 17TH CENTURY BUTCH PAINTER BEFORE I DECIDE.
Pat: william of orange (i know, technically he was british, however, he did conquer holland or something around then).
9. Reason you wake up in a panic in the middle of the night?
Ri: Because I can't remember the construction of the Petrushka chord. So I get up, ask the Internet, then go back to sleep.
Bonnie: because west memphis, arkansas is a frightening fucking town and aleister crowley is hiding in my bathroom
Belle: DREAMS THAT I AM INTRODUCING MY INNOCENT STUDENTS TO SOME HIDEOUS DEPRAVITY VIA POWER POINT PRESENTATION
Pat: because i don't have a william of orange painting
10. Boiled peanuts?
Ri: yes please.
Bonnie: oh, the edamame of the south. delightful!
Belle: BOILED PEANUTS = BASEBALL= SOFTBALL= MIDDLE SCHOOL TRENHOLM ROAD
TOURNAMENTS= TERRIFYING= I'M NOT HUNGRY!
Pat: are they served al a carte, or may you & i get them as a side with our okra?
11. In the future, how many robots will you own?
Ri: Probably 3.
Bonnie: none... robots will own me. and they will be powered by my blood glucose.
Belle: ONLY ONE- GARY. HE CAN FIX YOU OFFEE AND WORSHIP YOU LIKE A LORD IN YOUR OWN HOME, WHO CAN ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE? BESIDES I OWN STOCK IN JIMCON.
Pat: future? let's not get overly optimistic.
12. When you refer to me, the survey, as "you," just who exactly are you referring to?
Ri: Winston Churchill.
Bonnie: the simultaneously universal and specific "you" i.e. the continuously reincarnated soul of kyoaki matsugae
Belle: UNTIL NOW I THOUGHT YOU WERE MR. SURVEY BUT BONNIE'S RESPONSE HAS THOROUGHLY CONFUSED ME AND I AM CURRENTLY NOT ONLY QUESTIONING YOUR IDENTITY BUT MY OWN AS WELL
Pat: I, sir, would never be so bold as to refer to your surveyness as simply "you".
13. Furthermore, on this island, would you bother to question where the electricity is coming from?
Ri: It is magic right?
Bonnie: kyoaki, you are a terrible reader! hello? blood glucose!
Belle: I KNOW! TELL ME ABOUT IT, AND THE TRANSMISSION OF THAT FRENCH WOMAN'S VOICE! 16 FUCKING YEARS!!
Pat: not as long as i was ummm... well, wired.
14. Top reason you abhor Myspace?
Ri: Surveys and Fox news.
Bonnie: the way it exponentially increases the amount of energy i spend on being fake to people i might dislike if i only knew them.
Belle: HOW CAN YOU HATE SOMETHING THAT LOVES YOU SO MUCH??
Pat: again, i really must visit (an invitation would be appreciated if you persist in asking these types of questions) your space before i could opine.
15. How long is a light year?
Ri: At least 20,000 miles, give or take.
Bonnie: 9.4605284 × 1015 meters
Belle: ...a small town light-years away from the action of the capital.
Pat: considerably shorter than a heavy year.
16. Do you find it supremely distasteful that the title of this survey was taken from Messian's "Quartet For The End Of Time"?
Ri: Most assuredly.
Bonnie: i even find the question distasteful.
Belle: NO, BUT I THINK YOU NEED TO BE SAVED FROM YOUR NERDOM , BOTH OF YOU!
Pat: not especially distasteful, however, i'm sure mr messian would not share that sentiment and i suggest that you return it before he discovers that it's gone missing.
17. Sushi, raw or cooked?
Ri: Mostly raw.
Bonnie:either and sometimes with some sweet sauce on top which a blow torch happy chef in burlington, vermont will gladly caramelize
Belle: YOU HAVE NO IDEA!
Pat: i'm not especially good with multiple choice exams... i'll have to guess.
18. Alive or dead?
Ri: Well, I've never tried alive sushi. I guess I am open to anything once.
Bonnie: i once saw a travel show where the host ate a live octopus. seeing as this man was a white ass cracker, he was not skilled in octopus ingurgitation. thus, the animal's tentacles continuously reached from within the man's mouth and gripped his face, trying to reverse its directional tendency down the proverbial little red lane
Belle: I ONCE WATCHED A JAPANESE MAN SWALLOW A WHOLE CRYSTAL CUP FULL OF LIVE MINNOWS AT A FORMAL DINNER PARTY, HE WAS A YELLOW ASSED CHINK, AND HE WAS DAMN GOOD AT IT!
Pat: guess again.
19. Once available, will you have neural implants installed to enhance your natural abilities?
Ri: I want to be able to jump higher and remember my childhood. I guess it would be nice to never need another calculator and stay up all night. What would you say about penis enlargement?
Bonnie: why would i need neural implants when i already have a cell phone, a lap top, an isight, and an ipod? i don't want to give my brain more things to do... i have spent all this money on external devices which think for me! now i can devote all of my brain power to memorizing the lyrics of an endless library of songs
Belle: NO, BECAUSE AT THAT POINT EVERYONE WILL FINALLY BE CAUGHT UP TO ME AND I CAN AT LAST STOP HIDING THE SUPERIOR ABILITIES THAT MOM AND DAD TOLD ME NOT TO TELL RI AND BONNIE ABOUT AFTER OUR IQ TESTS.
Pat: no... because my neurals are big enough as they are and i think it's very cheeky of you to imply that i'd be more acceptable if they were perhaps enlarged.
20. 1st thing that comes into your mind...
Ri: Penis enlargement.
Bonnie: hard drive enlargement
Belle: CROCODILE DUNDEE - WHAT ARE THE IMPLICATIONS?!
Pat: i don't know... it didn't stay long enough for it & i to form a relationship.
21. Primary reason why we, in 2006, are not yet flying around in hover-cars.
Ri: Probably because we spent all the money on PBS. Either that, or because hover-cars were always a right wing conspiracy of Back to the Future.
Bonnie: because my parents kept our IQs a secret, belle never realized her potential and developed the engineering feat which would make hover-cars a reality.
Belle: BRING YOUR CELL, LAP TOP, ISIGHT, AND IPOD AROUND AND WE'LL CHAT!
Pat: if god had ment for us to fly around in hover-cars, he would have provided us all with propulsion neurals
22. Does your favorite song have lyrics?
Ri: No
Bonnie: yes
Belle: UH HUH
Pat: does rama lama ding dong count?
23. List four words from your favorite song with lyrics.
Ri: Headed, Adversary, Donkey, Humanity.
Bonnie: monocles, abacus, dirigible, colloidal
Belle: I ACTUALLY HAD TO LOOK AT MY ITUNES LIBRARY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT MY FAVORITE SONG IS; THIS IS WHAT MY MOST PLAYED LIST GAVE ME:
DREAM EYES REINED LOVE
Pat: see above
24.Describe the attire you draped yourself in in 1993.
Ri: Metalica tee-shirts, metal bracelets and ripped jeans. Wait, that was 92...
Bonnie: vintage clothing that once belonged to my art teacher, wayne carter, who was later arrested for his uncouth relations with a former male student. i am not kidding.
Belle: SOMETHING I STOLE FROM DAD OR BONNIE'S CLOSET THAT MORE THAN LIKELY CAUSED A ROUND OF DRAMA
Pat: in 1993 i had very little attire to drape myself with... someone kept stealing it!
25. What is the true nature of time?
Ri: Stillness Reigns- one massive simultaneity where all that was, is as well as all that ever will be. Somewhen= Somewhere.
Bonnie: what is the true nature of true nature, ri? come on! i know you are not really kyoaki matsugae.... ok, if i am to humor you... fuck that, i am not gonna even humor you!
Belle: WHAT WE REMEMBER IS ACTUALLY THE FUTURE. WE ARE BORN EITHER THROUGH SOME PAINFUL ACCIDENT WERE THE BEGINNING OF OUR LIFE FINDS ITSELF WALKING OUT IN FRONT OF A CAR, OR WE ARE BORN IN A COMFORTABLE HOSPITAL BED WONDERING WHY THE PEOPLE AROUND US LOOK SO SAD. THEN OUR LIVES MOVE OUT IN FRONT OF US, EVERY SECOND IS A FRAME OF TIME NOT ENTIRELY CONNECTED TO THE FOLLOWING FRAME OF TIME BUT ENOUGH THAT WE GET THE IDEA OF LINEAR MOTION. WE HAVE THE HARDEST TIME REMEMBERING OUR PAST AS WE GO THROUGH LIFE AND SO WORRY OURSELVES OVER NOTIONS LIKE "DESTINY" AND OR " CAREER GOALS." WE PROCEED TO GROW SMALLER, MORE NIMBLE, MUCH MORE OPTIMISTIC, AND LESS HAIRY UNTIL WE FIND OURSELVES SHRIVELING DOWN INTO A BEAN SHAPE IN SOME WOMAN'S WOMB. THEN WE CAN FINALLY DIE AND SPLIT INTO HUNDREDS OF TINY COMPONENTS THAT WILL SPLIT INTO TINIER COMPONENTS THAT SPLIT INTO TINIER COMPONENTS UNTIL THE FUTURE IS TOO FAR IN THE DISTANCE TO REMEMBER ANY MORE.
Pat: it marches on.
26. If someone had bothered to ask you, what names would you have given your parents?
Ri: Ludwig Van Stravinsky and Martha My Dear.
Bonnie: if naming your parents is like naming your pets: otto von vladamir and tootsie wootsie
if i name them like they named me: Natalia Mary Schlaeffer Crawford and Darby Jack Scoville Crawford
if i name them like i would name my own children: Furnace Viscosity Crawford and Quinoa Pernod Crawford
Belle: I WOULD RE-TEACH THE LESSON IN HUMILITY AND CALL THEM BELLAMY SMELLAMY - BON BON AND oooRIIIIiiiiiieeeeeeeeee! and I would do it as loudly as possible from the kitchen door.
Pat: why on earth would i give them a name? they already had perfectly good ones (bill & patricia as well as i remember) however, if you're gonna get into that mother's maiden name business, i'll abandon this survey straight away.
27. If France was enslaved by an oil-drenched corpratocracy, would you immediately move there?
Ri: In a heartbeat! For all of the freedom.
Bonnie: only if french culture would develop a disdain for contemplation! (i suppose that would have to happen first in order for the corpratocracy to rise to power)
Belle: ONLY IF I WAS INVITED TO 'MOVE AROUND IN GENERAL SPACE' WITH JACQUES CHIRAC AND WE COULD DO SO WITH FLAILING ARMS AND LEGS AND TO THE RYTHEM OF AMERICAN FAST FOOD JINGLES
Pat: only if it were extra virgin with a whisp of light balsamic
28. Do you enjoy taking time lapse photographs of clouds for the sense of scale that the various species provide?
Ri: Duh.
Bonnie: no, you don't do that, do you, harold?
Belle: I ENJOY TURNING ALL THE LIGHTS OFF IN MY APARTMENT AT NIGHT AND SITTING IN THE PITCH DARK AND WATCHING YOURS
Pat: just because i do it doesn't mean i enjoy it.
29. Bartok, Stravinsky, Mingus, Musorgsky, Dolphy, Ives, Varese, Ligetti, or Bang On A Can?
Ri: Yes please.
Bonnie: i apologize to those of you who have never met ri.
Belle: I APOLOGIZE TO THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE! :0 )
Pat: i apologize because of all of those, "bang on a can" is all i can do.
30. What will these futuristic robots do for you?
Ri: Brush my teeth, drive my hover-car, and prepare artichoke marinara.
Bonnie: cauterize the misshapened electrical tissue in my heart, regulate my manic episodes, and again, with the blood glucose, thus preventing my body from ever needing insulin again!
Belle: TELL ME FOR SURE WHETHER THE PERSON WHO IS LISTENING TO MY THOUGHTS AND NOT RESPONDING TO MY COMMAND OF 'IF YOU CAN HEAR WHAT I AM THINKING SCRATCH YOUR LEFT EAR' IS IGNORING ME OR JUST BAD AT TELEPATHY
Pat: pick me up when i fall (assuming, of course, that this notion of "future" has any relevance for thee & me)
31. Would you buy a cell phone built to fit in your inner-ear and marketed as "Telepathy"?
Ri: Most assuredly.
Bonnie: um.
Belle: NOT IF THE ROBOT CAN SCAN THE POPULATION AND FIND MY TRUE TELEPATHIC FRIENDS
Pat: telepathy smelepathy... now if you call it clairvoyance i might go for it
32. On this desert island, do you think 10 records would really be enough?
Ri: i would like at least 375.
Bonnie: only if those robots can increase the melanin in my skin and prevent painful damage due to sun exposure would i have time to think about music... but, sunburn potential aside, 15 gigs isn't even enough
Belle: RI, ARE YOU NOT IN THE LEAST CONCERNED ABOUT POLAR BEARS?
Pat: ok, ok... how about the record for soaking my body in gin until it resembles an albino wrinkly grape?
33. # of Spanish verbs that you can conjugate?
Ri: 53, although i am not sure "derretir" counts, so 52.
Bonnie: none, despite natalia's patience. however, i CAN say that i worked hard, that i am tired and that the plate is hot.
and to impress those of you who don't already know what a humongous dork i am:
arma virum que cano trojae qui primus ab oris
Belle: ALICE TRIED TO TEACH ME ABOUT PRESENT PERFECT ONCE BUT MY ADD WAS MORE POWERFUL THAN SHE
and by the way:
watashi no imoto wa chutto atama ga ii kedo sore wo kanojo ga wakadu sore kada kanojo no guchi ga ooki to omoimas!
Pat: i'm sad to say that i don't actually know any spanish verbs, and besides, they don't allow those kinds of visits here at the home
34. Do you agree that the absolute quantization of culture is a positive thing?
Ri: At least we know the score.
Bonnie: it is believed that the quantization of culture alters culture. so declaring its positivity may only alter it in a direction of negativity.
Belle: ---
Pat: you can lead a whore to culture
35. ______ is to _______ as _______ is to ________???
Ri: baseball, pan-fried; chicken-hawk, industrial military complex.
Bonnie: mousetrap : nose hair :: cassette player : ubiquity
Belle: FOOT BINDING: PAJAMAS:: WATER TORTURE: BATHING SUIT
Pat: is to as is too ??
36. A pertinent movie quote?
Ri: "Gozer the Gozarian! As a duly designated representative of the city, county, and state of New York, I order you to cease any and all supernatural activity and return forthwith to your place of origin; or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension!"
Bonnie: It's a familiar dance, monkey nipples, they both know it.
Belle: WHEN I GO TO BED, I GET HUNGRY. WHEN I SIT DOWN TO EAT, I GET SEXY.
Pat: frankly mamm'
37. What would you do if the people you knew, were the plastic that melted and the chromium too?
Ri: Give up.
Bonnie: lay face down on the ground for some time avoiding the residual ripples of heat
Belle: I ALWAYS HAD A SUSPICION
Pat: depends on what your definition of "if" is
38. Assuming there is a God, would you vote for form or function?
Ri: Function.
Bonnie: formtion
Belle: FUNIONS
Pat: either, but... i want a paper ballot dammit!
39. Text messaging, the savior of the future, or destructor of the past?
Ri: i don't see them as mutually exclusive.
Bonnie: expensive
Belle: On Thursday, the political action committee of former senator John Edwards (D-N.C.) went live with a messaging service. People who sign up for the One America Committee's text-messaging database receive on their phone: "Thanks 4 joining my mobile team. Please text me your name & email.
Pat: perhaps text hangs out with those spanish verbs. suffice it to say i've not messaged with either.
40. Why was a horse while flying?
Ri: i used to know this but it is now lost to the annals of christmas past. Somebody text-message me the answer.
Bonnie: not even google knows
Belle: BECAUSE THE NOTES FOR WHICH HE IS NOTED IS NOT NOTED FOR BEING MUSICAL NOTES AND BECAUSE IT SLOPS WITH A FLAP.
Pat: duh! to get to the other side.
41. If you won the lottery, would you put your grandchildren on $5000 a week allowances enabling a destructive drug habit while in the meantime squandering riches and fomenting violence at local strip-clubs?
Ri: Well yeah, but it is ok because I would also build a church.
Bonnie: um, do i look like i have grandchildren??
Belle: I AM NOT SURE WHICH QUESTION TO ANSWER FIRST AND OR WHICH TO POLITELY LIE ABOUT.
Pat: only if my grandchildren were performing at the strip club.
42. The completion if the Mayan calendar: another signal of impending "End Times" or proof that the Mayans were visited by extra-terrestrials?
Ri: Again, I can't see these as separate solutions to such conditionality.
Bonnie: e t
Belle: I CONCUR
Pat: thank goodness they got the mayan done... now if they'd just get on with the the junean and the julyan, etc....
43. What is the square root of 20511841?
Ri: at least 435 million. at least!
Bonnie: 4529
Belle: OK THEN, HOW MUCH TIME HAS ELAPSED SINCE THE COMMENCEMENT OF THE CHRISTIAN ERA?? (TO THE DAY WILL SUFFICE)
Pat: seven hundred thirty two thousand one hundred and ninety. unless, of course you're reading this yesterday.
44. Number of times you have seen "The Cabinet of Dr Caligari"?
Ri: 2
Bonnie: 0
Belle: NEVER BUT I REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS INSIDE, WILL IT RUIN THE SURPRISE IF YOU JUST TELL ME?
Pat: seven hundred thirty two thousand... no wait...
45. On a scale of 1 to 10, how happy would you be if you won a lifetime supply of Chick-O-Sticks?
Ri: Probably just an 8, it would depress me to have to share.
Bonnie: at $0.35 a piece, don't most people who receive email surveys have a lifetime supply of them? realizing this makes me about 7 on the happy scale only because my initial happiness is checked by my fear that my buying power has too much influence on my moods.
Belle: I AM SORRY, IT HAS BEEN SO LONG SINCE I HAVE HAD ONE THAT I CAN'T REALLY REMEMBER WHAT THEY TASTED LIKE. SEND ME SOME AND I WILL ANSWER THE QUESTION AFTER I HAVE HAD A CHANCE TO REFLECT.
Pat: depends on what your definition of "if" is
46. How much can you tell about a person by knowing the number of people in their cell phone address book?
Ri: Their Astrological sign, you see that stuff works in retrograde as well. I have 37 which equals Pisces, see?
Bonnie: not nearly as much as you can by knowing how many "friends" they have on myspace
Belle: DEPENDS ON THE COLOR OF THE PHONE, THE RING TONE, AND THE TYPE SIZE OF THE NAMES
Pat: you can tell as much as you'd like about them, however, you'd best be careful who you tell it to
47. Do you believe that your life is real enough to be exhibited on reality television?
Ri: No way man, nothing is that extreme real!!
Bonnie: only since reality television has existed and turned my inner male gaze outward thus reflexively making my life MORE REAL have i even considered the thought.
and myspace is helping.
Belle: I HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN REHEARSING JUST THE RIGHT CHARACTER TO PORTRAY WHEN I AM ASKED TO BE ON THE SHOW- SHE DRINKS MILK FROM BOWLS AND SCRATCHES HER HEAD WITH HER FEET- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Pat: reality television is an oxymoron and i resemble the inference.
*************************************************************************************
If you do not fill this survey out and email to everyone of your friends with the next 23 minutes, on January 17th, 2014 at approximately 4:29 am, your video-phone will ring and you will be assaulted by a telemarketing quiz that will test the very limits of your knowledge of 1970's vintage prime time television whereupon you will fail miserably thus demolishing utterly any chance you might have had at obtaining a lifetime supply of Chick-O-Sticks forever.
Bonnie: sorry to send an email survey complete with preemptive apologies to the recipients of said survey... but i thought it might be funny to torment my brother, by making the email survey he authored in jest actually turn into a "sincere" email survey. you are receiving this email only because i know you well enough to accept your anger.
Belle: I THOUGHT YOU EXPECTED A REPLY.
Pat: yeah, what bonnie said!
1. What would you guess is the favorite food of the first person you saw today?
Ri: I think the guy doing pushups in the 14th street tunnel probably likes fish tacos. Maybe Funion Rings, but probably fish tacos.
Bonnie: the two year old in the high chair loves to suck on tortilla chips and return them to their original packaging... he loves to watch the surprised looks on the grown ups' faces when they attempt to enjoy what they expect will be a crunchy treat
Belle: THE BENT OVER, BONNET WEARING OLD LADY PUSHING A LITTLE CHAIR ON WHEELS ACROSS THE STREET FROM HER RICE FEILD PROBABLY HAD FERMENTED SOY GOO AND FREEZE DRIED FISH HEADS
Pat: I'm still waiting to see that first person, however, i'll wager that freeze dried fish heads will not be one of that person's favs.
2. Number of pets currently living in your closet?
Ri: 8- all serpentine.
Bonnie: chip came out of the closet in the end of '98 or was it the beginning of '99, no pets in the closet since.... i think...
Belle: AN UNGODLY AMOUNT OF THOSE WOULD-BE CONVENIENT CARDBOARD PESTS OF THE CUBIC VARIETY THAT CONTINUE TO REMIND ME OF MY INFERIOR STATUS TO THE BEHEMOTH THAT IS THE COMPLICATED RECYCLING SYSTEM OF JAPAN
Pat: 10,328 (assuming dust bunnies count) which is exactly the number oh holes it takes to fill the albert hall (coincident or conspiracy ..?)
3. If stuck on a desert island and you can have access to only 10 records, would you seriously do anything other than listen to music?
Ri: Probably not, I guess i would write some as well, maybe go for a swim.
Bonnie: beats drawing a face on a volley ball... however, no matter how much music i had, i wouldn't make it two days without sunscreen
Belle: I SUGGEST WE ALL TAKE LOCK'S ADVICE AND LISTEN TO THE WHISPERS IN THE JUNGLE, THEN , AND ONLY THEN, IF THE JUNGLE DOESN'T THINK WE SHOULD KILL A BOAR FIRST TO MAKE PEACE WITH OUR DARK PASTS, WE SHOULD PROCEED TO FUFILL OUR AUDIAL DESIRES
Pat: first of all, i'd like to finally gain access to my permanent record. then, i'd like to hold the record for most fish caught on one plastic worm... umm.. do i have to have 10?
4. The most convenient aspect of Myspace?
Ri: That it sends me an email to let me know that I have messages at another email account! I wish I could increase the depth of convenience by 3 or 4.
Bonnie: i love shopping for friends without ever having to actually talk to them!
btw ri, did you know that you can now get messages from myspace on your mobile phone???
Belle: WE CAN ALL WITNESS THE RATE AT WHICH EVERY PARTICIPANT IN POP CULTURE MELDS INTO A FEIRCE ONE BRAINED MECHANISM ARMED WITH ELITIST TASTE IN MUSIC, QUOTES BY PHILOSOPHICAL RUSSIAN AUTHORS, LEFTIST IDEOLOGY, CONSPIRACY THEORIES, WITTINESS, AND GLAMOROUS PHOTOS OF THEMSELVES.
Pat: i'd require an visit to your space before i would feel qualified to have an opinion.
5. Last time you paid for a haircut?
Ri: 1995
Bonnie: thursday... in this lady's basement
Belle: LAST DECEMBER. I GOT IT STRAIGHTENED FOR FREE THOUGH AND AFTERWARD THE BEAUTICIAN AND I BOTH AGREED THAT I LOOK MORE LIKE A BLACK GIRL WITH STRAIGHT HAIR THAN I DO WITH WAVY
Pat: i don't pay for haircuts. i pay someone to make those wonderful buzzing and humming sounds around my head. the fact that my hair becomes shorter when i have this done serves as a built in limiting factor in my buzz/humm habit.
6. Planets or Moons?
Ri: If Io, certainly moons, if Jupiter, planets.
Bonnie: pressed hams
Belle:
If Io, certainly moons, if Jupiter, planets.
pressed hams
THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL BIT OF POETRY, THANKS GUYS
Pat: yes, thank you
7. Do you believe the grammatical rules governing the use of "you and I" v.s. "you and me" should be relaxed?
Ri: As in, "could you go with jody and I" or "this is franklin and I in Tahiti"?
Bonnie: certainly not.... i even think we should begin to decline nouns, respect gender, and severely punish the misuse of contractions. however, i AM a proponent of discarding capitalization in electronic communications. (unless capitalization is an aesthetic choice, either visually OR in meaning)
Belle: I DONT REALLY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MOST GRAMMATICAL RULES. SPELLING, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS ANOTHER STORY. I THINK THE i BEFORE e EXCEPT AFTER c IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS RULE I HAVE EVER HEARD AND DIPHTHONGS ARE A CLOSE SECOND, NOT TO MENTION SILENT LETTERS, THF!?! (I AM SURE YOU HAVE ALREADY REALIZED THE OMNI-SIGNIFICANCE OF MY OWN USE OF CAPITALIZATION)
Pat: i feel very strongly that the rules governing the use of you & i be strengthened. i mean, how long are you and me going to put up with all this use??
8. Favorite 17th century Dutch painter?
Ri: Jacob Isaakszoon Van Ruisdael
Bonnie: i favor the 16th century over the 17th.... matthias grunewald had a knack for the locus where the sacrosanct becomes inextricable from the gory
Belle: I WANT TO SEE SOMETHING BY A 17TH CENTURY BUTCH PAINTER BEFORE I DECIDE.
Pat: william of orange (i know, technically he was british, however, he did conquer holland or something around then).
9. Reason you wake up in a panic in the middle of the night?
Ri: Because I can't remember the construction of the Petrushka chord. So I get up, ask the Internet, then go back to sleep.
Bonnie: because west memphis, arkansas is a frightening fucking town and aleister crowley is hiding in my bathroom
Belle: DREAMS THAT I AM INTRODUCING MY INNOCENT STUDENTS TO SOME HIDEOUS DEPRAVITY VIA POWER POINT PRESENTATION
Pat: because i don't have a william of orange painting
10. Boiled peanuts?
Ri: yes please.
Bonnie: oh, the edamame of the south. delightful!
Belle: BOILED PEANUTS = BASEBALL= SOFTBALL= MIDDLE SCHOOL TRENHOLM ROAD
TOURNAMENTS= TERRIFYING= I'M NOT HUNGRY!
Pat: are they served al a carte, or may you & i get them as a side with our okra?
11. In the future, how many robots will you own?
Ri: Probably 3.
Bonnie: none... robots will own me. and they will be powered by my blood glucose.
Belle: ONLY ONE- GARY. HE CAN FIX YOU OFFEE AND WORSHIP YOU LIKE A LORD IN YOUR OWN HOME, WHO CAN ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE? BESIDES I OWN STOCK IN JIMCON.
Pat: future? let's not get overly optimistic.
12. When you refer to me, the survey, as "you," just who exactly are you referring to?
Ri: Winston Churchill.
Bonnie: the simultaneously universal and specific "you" i.e. the continuously reincarnated soul of kyoaki matsugae
Belle: UNTIL NOW I THOUGHT YOU WERE MR. SURVEY BUT BONNIE'S RESPONSE HAS THOROUGHLY CONFUSED ME AND I AM CURRENTLY NOT ONLY QUESTIONING YOUR IDENTITY BUT MY OWN AS WELL
Pat: I, sir, would never be so bold as to refer to your surveyness as simply "you".
13. Furthermore, on this island, would you bother to question where the electricity is coming from?
Ri: It is magic right?
Bonnie: kyoaki, you are a terrible reader! hello? blood glucose!
Belle: I KNOW! TELL ME ABOUT IT, AND THE TRANSMISSION OF THAT FRENCH WOMAN'S VOICE! 16 FUCKING YEARS!!
Pat: not as long as i was ummm... well, wired.
14. Top reason you abhor Myspace?
Ri: Surveys and Fox news.
Bonnie: the way it exponentially increases the amount of energy i spend on being fake to people i might dislike if i only knew them.
Belle: HOW CAN YOU HATE SOMETHING THAT LOVES YOU SO MUCH??
Pat: again, i really must visit (an invitation would be appreciated if you persist in asking these types of questions) your space before i could opine.
15. How long is a light year?
Ri: At least 20,000 miles, give or take.
Bonnie: 9.4605284 × 1015 meters
Belle: ...a small town light-years away from the action of the capital.
Pat: considerably shorter than a heavy year.
16. Do you find it supremely distasteful that the title of this survey was taken from Messian's "Quartet For The End Of Time"?
Ri: Most assuredly.
Bonnie: i even find the question distasteful.
Belle: NO, BUT I THINK YOU NEED TO BE SAVED FROM YOUR NERDOM , BOTH OF YOU!
Pat: not especially distasteful, however, i'm sure mr messian would not share that sentiment and i suggest that you return it before he discovers that it's gone missing.
17. Sushi, raw or cooked?
Ri: Mostly raw.
Bonnie:either and sometimes with some sweet sauce on top which a blow torch happy chef in burlington, vermont will gladly caramelize
Belle: YOU HAVE NO IDEA!
Pat: i'm not especially good with multiple choice exams... i'll have to guess.
18. Alive or dead?
Ri: Well, I've never tried alive sushi. I guess I am open to anything once.
Bonnie: i once saw a travel show where the host ate a live octopus. seeing as this man was a white ass cracker, he was not skilled in octopus ingurgitation. thus, the animal's tentacles continuously reached from within the man's mouth and gripped his face, trying to reverse its directional tendency down the proverbial little red lane
Belle: I ONCE WATCHED A JAPANESE MAN SWALLOW A WHOLE CRYSTAL CUP FULL OF LIVE MINNOWS AT A FORMAL DINNER PARTY, HE WAS A YELLOW ASSED CHINK, AND HE WAS DAMN GOOD AT IT!
Pat: guess again.
19. Once available, will you have neural implants installed to enhance your natural abilities?
Ri: I want to be able to jump higher and remember my childhood. I guess it would be nice to never need another calculator and stay up all night. What would you say about penis enlargement?
Bonnie: why would i need neural implants when i already have a cell phone, a lap top, an isight, and an ipod? i don't want to give my brain more things to do... i have spent all this money on external devices which think for me! now i can devote all of my brain power to memorizing the lyrics of an endless library of songs
Belle: NO, BECAUSE AT THAT POINT EVERYONE WILL FINALLY BE CAUGHT UP TO ME AND I CAN AT LAST STOP HIDING THE SUPERIOR ABILITIES THAT MOM AND DAD TOLD ME NOT TO TELL RI AND BONNIE ABOUT AFTER OUR IQ TESTS.
Pat: no... because my neurals are big enough as they are and i think it's very cheeky of you to imply that i'd be more acceptable if they were perhaps enlarged.
20. 1st thing that comes into your mind...
Ri: Penis enlargement.
Bonnie: hard drive enlargement
Belle: CROCODILE DUNDEE - WHAT ARE THE IMPLICATIONS?!
Pat: i don't know... it didn't stay long enough for it & i to form a relationship.
21. Primary reason why we, in 2006, are not yet flying around in hover-cars.
Ri: Probably because we spent all the money on PBS. Either that, or because hover-cars were always a right wing conspiracy of Back to the Future.
Bonnie: because my parents kept our IQs a secret, belle never realized her potential and developed the engineering feat which would make hover-cars a reality.
Belle: BRING YOUR CELL, LAP TOP, ISIGHT, AND IPOD AROUND AND WE'LL CHAT!
Pat: if god had ment for us to fly around in hover-cars, he would have provided us all with propulsion neurals
22. Does your favorite song have lyrics?
Ri: No
Bonnie: yes
Belle: UH HUH
Pat: does rama lama ding dong count?
23. List four words from your favorite song with lyrics.
Ri: Headed, Adversary, Donkey, Humanity.
Bonnie: monocles, abacus, dirigible, colloidal
Belle: I ACTUALLY HAD TO LOOK AT MY ITUNES LIBRARY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT MY FAVORITE SONG IS; THIS IS WHAT MY MOST PLAYED LIST GAVE ME:
DREAM EYES REINED LOVE
Pat: see above
24.Describe the attire you draped yourself in in 1993.
Ri: Metalica tee-shirts, metal bracelets and ripped jeans. Wait, that was 92...
Bonnie: vintage clothing that once belonged to my art teacher, wayne carter, who was later arrested for his uncouth relations with a former male student. i am not kidding.
Belle: SOMETHING I STOLE FROM DAD OR BONNIE'S CLOSET THAT MORE THAN LIKELY CAUSED A ROUND OF DRAMA
Pat: in 1993 i had very little attire to drape myself with... someone kept stealing it!
25. What is the true nature of time?
Ri: Stillness Reigns- one massive simultaneity where all that was, is as well as all that ever will be. Somewhen= Somewhere.
Bonnie: what is the true nature of true nature, ri? come on! i know you are not really kyoaki matsugae.... ok, if i am to humor you... fuck that, i am not gonna even humor you!
Belle: WHAT WE REMEMBER IS ACTUALLY THE FUTURE. WE ARE BORN EITHER THROUGH SOME PAINFUL ACCIDENT WERE THE BEGINNING OF OUR LIFE FINDS ITSELF WALKING OUT IN FRONT OF A CAR, OR WE ARE BORN IN A COMFORTABLE HOSPITAL BED WONDERING WHY THE PEOPLE AROUND US LOOK SO SAD. THEN OUR LIVES MOVE OUT IN FRONT OF US, EVERY SECOND IS A FRAME OF TIME NOT ENTIRELY CONNECTED TO THE FOLLOWING FRAME OF TIME BUT ENOUGH THAT WE GET THE IDEA OF LINEAR MOTION. WE HAVE THE HARDEST TIME REMEMBERING OUR PAST AS WE GO THROUGH LIFE AND SO WORRY OURSELVES OVER NOTIONS LIKE "DESTINY" AND OR " CAREER GOALS." WE PROCEED TO GROW SMALLER, MORE NIMBLE, MUCH MORE OPTIMISTIC, AND LESS HAIRY UNTIL WE FIND OURSELVES SHRIVELING DOWN INTO A BEAN SHAPE IN SOME WOMAN'S WOMB. THEN WE CAN FINALLY DIE AND SPLIT INTO HUNDREDS OF TINY COMPONENTS THAT WILL SPLIT INTO TINIER COMPONENTS THAT SPLIT INTO TINIER COMPONENTS UNTIL THE FUTURE IS TOO FAR IN THE DISTANCE TO REMEMBER ANY MORE.
Pat: it marches on.
26. If someone had bothered to ask you, what names would you have given your parents?
Ri: Ludwig Van Stravinsky and Martha My Dear.
Bonnie: if naming your parents is like naming your pets: otto von vladamir and tootsie wootsie
if i name them like they named me: Natalia Mary Schlaeffer Crawford and Darby Jack Scoville Crawford
if i name them like i would name my own children: Furnace Viscosity Crawford and Quinoa Pernod Crawford
Belle: I WOULD RE-TEACH THE LESSON IN HUMILITY AND CALL THEM BELLAMY SMELLAMY - BON BON AND oooRIIIIiiiiiieeeeeeeeee! and I would do it as loudly as possible from the kitchen door.
Pat: why on earth would i give them a name? they already had perfectly good ones (bill & patricia as well as i remember) however, if you're gonna get into that mother's maiden name business, i'll abandon this survey straight away.
27. If France was enslaved by an oil-drenched corpratocracy, would you immediately move there?
Ri: In a heartbeat! For all of the freedom.
Bonnie: only if french culture would develop a disdain for contemplation! (i suppose that would have to happen first in order for the corpratocracy to rise to power)
Belle: ONLY IF I WAS INVITED TO 'MOVE AROUND IN GENERAL SPACE' WITH JACQUES CHIRAC AND WE COULD DO SO WITH FLAILING ARMS AND LEGS AND TO THE RYTHEM OF AMERICAN FAST FOOD JINGLES
Pat: only if it were extra virgin with a whisp of light balsamic
28. Do you enjoy taking time lapse photographs of clouds for the sense of scale that the various species provide?
Ri: Duh.
Bonnie: no, you don't do that, do you, harold?
Belle: I ENJOY TURNING ALL THE LIGHTS OFF IN MY APARTMENT AT NIGHT AND SITTING IN THE PITCH DARK AND WATCHING YOURS
Pat: just because i do it doesn't mean i enjoy it.
29. Bartok, Stravinsky, Mingus, Musorgsky, Dolphy, Ives, Varese, Ligetti, or Bang On A Can?
Ri: Yes please.
Bonnie: i apologize to those of you who have never met ri.
Belle: I APOLOGIZE TO THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE! :0 )
Pat: i apologize because of all of those, "bang on a can" is all i can do.
30. What will these futuristic robots do for you?
Ri: Brush my teeth, drive my hover-car, and prepare artichoke marinara.
Bonnie: cauterize the misshapened electrical tissue in my heart, regulate my manic episodes, and again, with the blood glucose, thus preventing my body from ever needing insulin again!
Belle: TELL ME FOR SURE WHETHER THE PERSON WHO IS LISTENING TO MY THOUGHTS AND NOT RESPONDING TO MY COMMAND OF 'IF YOU CAN HEAR WHAT I AM THINKING SCRATCH YOUR LEFT EAR' IS IGNORING ME OR JUST BAD AT TELEPATHY
Pat: pick me up when i fall (assuming, of course, that this notion of "future" has any relevance for thee & me)
31. Would you buy a cell phone built to fit in your inner-ear and marketed as "Telepathy"?
Ri: Most assuredly.
Bonnie: um.
Belle: NOT IF THE ROBOT CAN SCAN THE POPULATION AND FIND MY TRUE TELEPATHIC FRIENDS
Pat: telepathy smelepathy... now if you call it clairvoyance i might go for it
32. On this desert island, do you think 10 records would really be enough?
Ri: i would like at least 375.
Bonnie: only if those robots can increase the melanin in my skin and prevent painful damage due to sun exposure would i have time to think about music... but, sunburn potential aside, 15 gigs isn't even enough
Belle: RI, ARE YOU NOT IN THE LEAST CONCERNED ABOUT POLAR BEARS?
Pat: ok, ok... how about the record for soaking my body in gin until it resembles an albino wrinkly grape?
33. # of Spanish verbs that you can conjugate?
Ri: 53, although i am not sure "derretir" counts, so 52.
Bonnie: none, despite natalia's patience. however, i CAN say that i worked hard, that i am tired and that the plate is hot.
and to impress those of you who don't already know what a humongous dork i am:
arma virum que cano trojae qui primus ab oris
Belle: ALICE TRIED TO TEACH ME ABOUT PRESENT PERFECT ONCE BUT MY ADD WAS MORE POWERFUL THAN SHE
and by the way:
watashi no imoto wa chutto atama ga ii kedo sore wo kanojo ga wakadu sore kada kanojo no guchi ga ooki to omoimas!
Pat: i'm sad to say that i don't actually know any spanish verbs, and besides, they don't allow those kinds of visits here at the home
34. Do you agree that the absolute quantization of culture is a positive thing?
Ri: At least we know the score.
Bonnie: it is believed that the quantization of culture alters culture. so declaring its positivity may only alter it in a direction of negativity.
Belle: ---
Pat: you can lead a whore to culture
35. ______ is to _______ as _______ is to ________???
Ri: baseball, pan-fried; chicken-hawk, industrial military complex.
Bonnie: mousetrap : nose hair :: cassette player : ubiquity
Belle: FOOT BINDING: PAJAMAS:: WATER TORTURE: BATHING SUIT
Pat: is to as is too ??
36. A pertinent movie quote?
Ri: "Gozer the Gozarian! As a duly designated representative of the city, county, and state of New York, I order you to cease any and all supernatural activity and return forthwith to your place of origin; or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension!"
Bonnie: It's a familiar dance, monkey nipples, they both know it.
Belle: WHEN I GO TO BED, I GET HUNGRY. WHEN I SIT DOWN TO EAT, I GET SEXY.
Pat: frankly mamm'
37. What would you do if the people you knew, were the plastic that melted and the chromium too?
Ri: Give up.
Bonnie: lay face down on the ground for some time avoiding the residual ripples of heat
Belle: I ALWAYS HAD A SUSPICION
Pat: depends on what your definition of "if" is
38. Assuming there is a God, would you vote for form or function?
Ri: Function.
Bonnie: formtion
Belle: FUNIONS
Pat: either, but... i want a paper ballot dammit!
39. Text messaging, the savior of the future, or destructor of the past?
Ri: i don't see them as mutually exclusive.
Bonnie: expensive
Belle: On Thursday, the political action committee of former senator John Edwards (D-N.C.) went live with a messaging service. People who sign up for the One America Committee's text-messaging database receive on their phone: "Thanks 4 joining my mobile team. Please text me your name & email.
Pat: perhaps text hangs out with those spanish verbs. suffice it to say i've not messaged with either.
40. Why was a horse while flying?
Ri: i used to know this but it is now lost to the annals of christmas past. Somebody text-message me the answer.
Bonnie: not even google knows
Belle: BECAUSE THE NOTES FOR WHICH HE IS NOTED IS NOT NOTED FOR BEING MUSICAL NOTES AND BECAUSE IT SLOPS WITH A FLAP.
Pat: duh! to get to the other side.
41. If you won the lottery, would you put your grandchildren on $5000 a week allowances enabling a destructive drug habit while in the meantime squandering riches and fomenting violence at local strip-clubs?
Ri: Well yeah, but it is ok because I would also build a church.
Bonnie: um, do i look like i have grandchildren??
Belle: I AM NOT SURE WHICH QUESTION TO ANSWER FIRST AND OR WHICH TO POLITELY LIE ABOUT.
Pat: only if my grandchildren were performing at the strip club.
42. The completion if the Mayan calendar: another signal of impending "End Times" or proof that the Mayans were visited by extra-terrestrials?
Ri: Again, I can't see these as separate solutions to such conditionality.
Bonnie: e t
Belle: I CONCUR
Pat: thank goodness they got the mayan done... now if they'd just get on with the the junean and the julyan, etc....
43. What is the square root of 20511841?
Ri: at least 435 million. at least!
Bonnie: 4529
Belle: OK THEN, HOW MUCH TIME HAS ELAPSED SINCE THE COMMENCEMENT OF THE CHRISTIAN ERA?? (TO THE DAY WILL SUFFICE)
Pat: seven hundred thirty two thousand one hundred and ninety. unless, of course you're reading this yesterday.
44. Number of times you have seen "The Cabinet of Dr Caligari"?
Ri: 2
Bonnie: 0
Belle: NEVER BUT I REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS INSIDE, WILL IT RUIN THE SURPRISE IF YOU JUST TELL ME?
Pat: seven hundred thirty two thousand... no wait...
45. On a scale of 1 to 10, how happy would you be if you won a lifetime supply of Chick-O-Sticks?
Ri: Probably just an 8, it would depress me to have to share.
Bonnie: at $0.35 a piece, don't most people who receive email surveys have a lifetime supply of them? realizing this makes me about 7 on the happy scale only because my initial happiness is checked by my fear that my buying power has too much influence on my moods.
Belle: I AM SORRY, IT HAS BEEN SO LONG SINCE I HAVE HAD ONE THAT I CAN'T REALLY REMEMBER WHAT THEY TASTED LIKE. SEND ME SOME AND I WILL ANSWER THE QUESTION AFTER I HAVE HAD A CHANCE TO REFLECT.
Pat: depends on what your definition of "if" is
46. How much can you tell about a person by knowing the number of people in their cell phone address book?
Ri: Their Astrological sign, you see that stuff works in retrograde as well. I have 37 which equals Pisces, see?
Bonnie: not nearly as much as you can by knowing how many "friends" they have on myspace
Belle: DEPENDS ON THE COLOR OF THE PHONE, THE RING TONE, AND THE TYPE SIZE OF THE NAMES
Pat: you can tell as much as you'd like about them, however, you'd best be careful who you tell it to
47. Do you believe that your life is real enough to be exhibited on reality television?
Ri: No way man, nothing is that extreme real!!
Bonnie: only since reality television has existed and turned my inner male gaze outward thus reflexively making my life MORE REAL have i even considered the thought.
and myspace is helping.
Belle: I HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN REHEARSING JUST THE RIGHT CHARACTER TO PORTRAY WHEN I AM ASKED TO BE ON THE SHOW- SHE DRINKS MILK FROM BOWLS AND SCRATCHES HER HEAD WITH HER FEET- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Pat: reality television is an oxymoron and i resemble the inference.
*************************************************************************************
If you do not fill this survey out and email to everyone of your friends with the next 23 minutes, on January 17th, 2014 at approximately 4:29 am, your video-phone will ring and you will be assaulted by a telemarketing quiz that will test the very limits of your knowledge of 1970's vintage prime time television whereupon you will fail miserably thus demolishing utterly any chance you might have had at obtaining a lifetime supply of Chick-O-Sticks forever.
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